MadWoMan Chronicle #8: Redemption Song
All the things I wanted in my twenties I had by my early thirties … Marriage, three beautiful children, a house , paid off, car and many upper management positions making a salary that meets my needs. I’d be mad to say I wasn’t happy with it all , but I hit the brick wall of unhappiness when I recognized in the pursuit of my dream , I left me behind somewhere on the journey.
The worst feeling in the world was living life wearing a mask as I built up my kids for success every morning and got them on the school bus while my own vision of success and joy was blurred. As I fought for a broken marriage, worked aimlessly climbing the corporate ladder, I forgot what it was I was fighting for.
There were days, weeks and months where tears smeared my perfectly applied make up, driving to work drowning in the puddle of dissatisfaction of personal emptiness I felt then scolding myself the remainder of the way for feeling so selfish about the same thoughts.
I sat in my car one morning broken, finally at a point where “putting on a good face” couldn’t be done. I called in sick from work and went home. I took off my fancy pumps and traded them for slippers and got on my knees and began reading the Bible. Psalms 91 brought tears to my eyes, but not the ones that had plagued me for months… ones of relief. I’ve always been a person of prayer, but it was only when I became a person of faith that I surrendered it all. See that one moment where I felt like nothing, God replaced it with love . In my daunting way of knowing it all, carrying it all and trying to fix it all, I forgot who was my all in all. His love, grace and mercy was waiting for me…while I was tormenting myself.
Psalms 91 is what has kept me together. How does my chronicle end? I continue to strive to be the best Christian woman, wife, mommy, worker and entrepreneur I can be one day at a time. It takes faith and commitment when your mind tells you to give up. My story continues as we navigate the repair of a marriage, the joys and pains of raising children as well as building a business designed to help those who have felt like I have, find their way. Allowing my redeemer to have His place in my life and home first has opened the floodgates to my personal joy returning and giving me the perspective and maturity to lean on Him to guide my steps. My son asked me recently what I thought we would look like as superheroes. Flashes of the last ten years went through my mind of the things we have made it through so my answer was simple “Lets look in the mirror”.